It’s difficult to express the pain, how an invisible or hidden illness impacts you, even more so when you have multiple chronic illnesses. Sometimes it’s hard to locate which pain is caused by which illness, but most of the time my pains are clearly and identifiably different. I can tell them a part despite full body pain.
Last night was a rough one, I was in a lot of pain caused by endometriosis, I was struggling to catch my breath (as its in my diaphragm) and the pain was radiating from my ovaries down both legs. I took my medication and a sleeping tablet, and at 4 am the pain snapped me from my sleep and brought me to the bathroom floor. Vomitting from pain is nothing new, especially when I’m on my period; my body cannot take the extreme pain, at times and this morning was no different.
Endo pain does impact alot of my body, but during my day to day life and when my pain is at its worse it impacts nearly my entire torso, lungs, diaphram and right shoulder. You can’t see it but maybe with a little visual aid, you can better understand my personal pain with Endometriosis. Period or not, the pain is not isolated to where people may commonly think.
My insides often feel like a butcher is violently trying to carve them out, that knives are stabbing my ovaries, that a hand is tightly grabbing hold of me, that my diaphram has been hit by a bulldozer, my lungs are tightening and my shoulder feels as if its been hit with a weight. It hurts to stand up and to lie down. When I sleep and wake up, my body is filled with pain, pain that never tires but only amplifies when the mood (or hormones) take it.
I am always aware of my ovaries, of my diaphram or a tight hand trying to grip me, of my insides torturing me and of the pain rising… Bottom to top. No matter what I do, my insides always remind me that they are in pain even if I can’t see it, even if I’m resting, even in the bath.
I had hoped that two surgeries would have helped me, that two surgeries would have given me relief from daily pain. I had hoped that my diaphragm pain wouldn’t escalate, and whilst I can’t say for sure, my pain suggests it has.
When I enjoy the glorious sunshine, when I sit with my dog, when I try and switch off, my body reminds me it is in pain, it is uncomfortable and although I can hide what is already hidden, if you could see it would it make a difference?
I am unfortunately not a minority, I am 1 in 10 women who lives every day with their own skin hiding a horrendous illnesses. There is no cure, but the more we talk, the more we make the previously unseen – seen we become the change that our younger selves so desperately needed.
Endometriosis is more than a “bad period” it’s a life altering illness, that if goes untreated can spread like wild fire throughout your body. It can take organs, jepordise fertility and take nearly a decade to diagnose. It goes missed on ultra sounds, internal examinations and MRI’S… Because it cannot be truly identified without surgery but first you have to get someone to believe you.
If the world can see what I experience, it is given insight into the reality of Endometriosis. It’s time to make the invisible, visible.
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